This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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