i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
