Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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