I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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