Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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