You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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