i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
