She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
