You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
