Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
