yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
