i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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