I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
