I hate all girls vehemently.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
