Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Can I color on your dick again?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
