can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
