You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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