I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
