rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
