Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
