The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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