In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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