Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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