It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
