well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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