I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
