I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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