she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
