Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
