Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
