i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
