oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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