I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize