Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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