So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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