She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
