He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
