hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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