Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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