sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
