I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
