Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
