More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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