It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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