if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
