my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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