with your own penis?
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
