3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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