My first STD was from a foam party
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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