Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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