Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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