Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
