He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
