It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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