My friends, they love my intelligence
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
