I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
