I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
