im six kinds of drunk right now
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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