I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
